I haven't written anything in my blog for a very long time. Why? Simple truth is.... Cuz my life was a mess and was unravelling as I knew it. I thought my marriage was going to survive the pruning shears but it seemed it also had to go. I had built a life that wasn't really authentic. I can honestly tell you that most of it was a lie. I was married for a very long time to someone who I loved like a brother not a lover and vice versa I am sure. We created three beautiful children and for that I am eternally grateful and blessed. My children have been my reason to carry on, to keep getting up each day and moving forward, excuriating as it has been. You see even if you know that what is happening is a good thing. That some how the universe, God is putting everything back in order. It's still incredibly painful and awkward to accept. You long so much for what used to be, for something familar of the old you, even if the old you wasn't really you. You have days when you are grateful for the freedom this change is bringing and other days when you are terrified you don't even want to get out of bed. Days when you are so angry at everyone, God, yourself, your ex, your kids, your friends, anyone and everybody.
I just heard an amazing quote while watching the movie, An Upside To Anger and I pondered could there really be an up upside to anger? I could be the one speaking these words. It went like this: "Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm."
For many years I was angry and rensentful, mostly at myself. I took a lot of it out on my ex and my children. I was angry because my life did not become the fairy tale I had wished it to be. My kids and my husband, my friends, my family, basically everyone who played a part in my life wasn't what I wanted them to be. What was causing my anger honestly was my unrealistic expectations of everyone, which lead to huge disappointment with the way my life turned out. With the disappointment came the anger, then came depression and hopelessness and then back to anger again. My personal life was this great big cess pool of disappointment and I felt trapped in a life I wasn't meant to live. Deep down inside, under all my masks that others saw, I hated myself and who I had become and I had accepted that there was no way out of all of this. Or so I thought...
I woke on January 1, 2012 and said this has got to stop. I literally was awakened and I realized that this was not who I am. I was not created to live a life where I felt anger, depression and disapointment all the time. The truth was in my innocence of my youth I created a life that was not mine. The truth was that I wasn't destined to be trapped in this state forever. I could see freedom on the other side of my fear. I could start over, if I could just find the courage to walk away, admit this was all wrong and begin again with a clean slate, I would be set free. So I did, I walked away from the security of my empty, angry, depressed life and started over.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that starting over doesn't immediately bring happiness. In fact what it brought was fear and tons of it, and more anger. I was angry that I had to start over, I was angry that I was alone, I was angry that my happily ever after didn't exsist, I was angry that people I thought were friends, were no longer in my life. I was alone and on my own with 3 children, what had I done. But when I came up for air, I soon realized, "Hey girl you've always been alone, you can do this!" and I did, and I am each day!
It's been almost a year since I started over, and I am amazed what I have experienced, nothing but continual spirtual and emotional healing and growth. I feel myself slowly but ever so surely transforming into the person that I was created to be. Some days I feel parts of my old familar self trying to creep back in, but for the most part, I know I've left that old girl back in the past where she belongs. I'm grateful for the mistakes and the lessons I've learned along the way. I now know that they aren't who I am, they are where I've been. These experiences have taught me a lot about who I am, but they are not me. I have the power to decide who I am and I am not my past failures. I am a beautiful creation of a wonderful loving God. I am alive and well and evolving continually each and every day. I am becoming the person I was created to be. A person fully alive, filled with God's peace, love and joy. I am learning to appreciate the beauty of the world in which I am a part of and enjoy the blessings that were always there. I now can receive them because I know I am worthy. I am so grateful to God that I am fully awake with my eyes wide open and that I can see them and enjoy them each day.
I am grateful for the anger because it's like a flashing red beacon, it's a warning sign. When you are angry or deeply unhappy with your life, it's your spirit's way of telling you that your life is not lining up with your soul's purpose. Don't ignore the anger, embrace it and figure out what it is that you need to do in order to set your life back on the right course. It might mean you have some surrendering to do, so watch out and hold on! The truth is you were created for joy, not anger, not to live a life of strife. Anger and strife is not a true manifestation of you, it's a symptom that something in your life is terribly out of alignment.
Jn 15:11 These things have I spoken to you, that My joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journeyand cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing. James 1:2-4D